Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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