I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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