Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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