I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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