No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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