There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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