I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
did i walk over a car last night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
