we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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