the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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