The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it because I queefed?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
