I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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