How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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