mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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