I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
