Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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