All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
