I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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