I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
