He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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