Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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