Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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