I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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