found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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