i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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