Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize