well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
