I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
