I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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