Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize