the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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