I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize