I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
