yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
