seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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