I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
