If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
