3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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