At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
