dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
