A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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