I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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