I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
