Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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