I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
