best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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