just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
