she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
