...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
