I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
