would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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