and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
