Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
