And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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