ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
