we should wear snuggies to the strip club
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
