I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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