tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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