There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My life is pants optional.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
