Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I supernannyed him into submission
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
