I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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