you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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