we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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