he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
