i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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