I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just blew my weed a kiss
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
