you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
