I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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