i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
